Hi peoples who are kind enough to read this...either that or crazy enough. :-) .  So, I guess I should state something.  Whiten is a mix between two names, because their are two people on this account.  Why are there to people on this account? B/c I'm to lazy to make one...might do that at a later date.  So, Whit is Whitney, she's the red head in the pic whos' smiling, and -en is Lauren (aka me!) and I'm the one who looks really shitty because I'm laughing in the pictue.  So...in the profile, yeah, I'm the one who wrote everything, and whit's probably going to go back and edit it...especially for the sex...bit inappropriate.  I'm the second person in the profile...right after this little symbol: ; .  Um, if you want to ask a question, please state who you're asking this, otherwise, we'll more than likely both answer! yeah, that's it for now...

~lauren

Okay...this is Lauren.  I just thought I should let everyone one know, that this is now only one person under this name (Scottishdeath) and that is Whitney, but she is now stuck with Whiten, b/c I don't know where to go to edit that!  So, my blog would be ivoryangel.  Plus, I know that there are things that the 2 of us won't want to share with each other.  This is my last post, unless I'm replying to something in here.  Otherwise, I'll see everyone later.

~lauren

Oh yeah, out of randomness, other than this sentence, this whole thing is in black! XD

im so tired, i just cant speak. my brain is going into shut down mode, i cant even think. too much shit goin on, i just want to stay. but cant really leave when i cant get away. my heart is tripping itself into pieces i just cant deal. too much drama for this little week, got these tests dont need this now. why me? i scream out. why me? why now? why can't i have it both ways instead of only havin it one? the sleep wants to consume me along with these questions that dance inside my head like those stupid sugerplum faires. dont have the time, can find the time to actually sit down and decide what to do. this week i have no time to deal, no time for me, just sit think review. sit think review. sit think review. sit think review. i wont think, i will put all this on hold. dont care how much it hurts to let it slip away, but i just cant do this anymore without some sort of pain. *sighs* im so tired i just want to sleep, close these heavy eye lids and never wake. i know its coming, it happens every year. that stupid old christmas fight with all the f*ing cheer. i want to wake when all is said and done, when i dont have to worry about anything but me. :(

wow, i have no idea as to what to do anymore. i am so happy but at the same time i am so sad. nothing is right and it isnt like its suppose to be but you can't change things from happening and what they are. so you have to deal with the cards life hands you wether or not its good, bad, or really crappy.

OMG! ITS 6:21 in the morning and im awake and i dont want to be. there is nothing like getting out of a nice warm van, and have the freezing cold wind slap you in your face.

GOING BACK TO BED NOW!

one more day of finals, and i can't wait for me to be out of school. but then again, im dreading it b.c. it means that i will always be around my brother. he's such an ass. he thinks that just b.c he got his drivers license that he can do whatever he want with the cars any god damn time that he wants. like yesterday, i was hungry so i called him to pick me up some food on the way home. he gets all pissy at me b/c he doesn't like running errands for me. but since he loves driving so much, i didn't think he would mind much. obviously i am wrong. he's still an ass to everyone in the whole family. he sits at home and plays on his computer. he eats our food and does nothing but play on his damn computer. he does not help with the household chores or anything. i mean i had to mow the lawn on my own god damn birthday b/c he was too f*ing lazy to get out of bed. so, b/c he is such an ass every year around this time (crappy christmas as i call it) he starts shit with the `rents and we end up having the annual 'christmas fight'. i am patiently waiting for that to be over with so i can actually start enjoying christmas. *breathes* im ok. so, just yesterday i put up my christmas tree b/c me mommy asked me to. its starting to feel like christmas but with finals in everything i just cant get in the mood for it. its like let me sleep christmas away this year and i will be happy. see here's why im hating christmas:

my dad's sister's family is coming down to houston. normally in the past, grandmother and grandfather would come over to our house in the morning for cinnabons and presents in the morning. around noon time they would go home and we would go down to Bay City where my other grandparents live. get there around 2-3ish and then have supper, wait until 5 to open presents, then stay for a few days until new years and we would come home. but this year with the other family coming, my dad doesnt want to go down to Bay City. This is evidence, if we stay at grandmother and grandfather's house im dressing like a goth and i wont give a rats ass as to who or what i piss off. every year since we lived here, we went down to Bay City or we had everyone over at our house. so this year we ARE NOT BREAKING TRADITION!!!! THEY CAN KISS MY ASS!!!! LITERALLY!!!!

ok im ok, but not really. i have 2 major finals tomorrow, people comin over. i have to finish my xmas shopping, study, work out, shower, eat, study some more. so much crap to do in little time. and i have put all my drama in my life on hold so those people ( you know who you are) have to wait till' tomorrow at 11:30 to get to me. :-* i know im stupid but oh well. off christmas shopping people. wish me luck!

im so happy, :) i cant stop smiling. its so awesome! nothing can be said though b.c. its too personal. :D

ZZZZZZzzzzzzzz! holy crap im so tired that my eyes are watering, and for me that means like TIRED TIRED. oh well, the rugrats are home and i got me some money to go shoppin with on monday. im so tired, and i didnt even get my hair dyed today like i want. *too tired to care much*

i need someone to hold, to tell me to close my eyes and to dream. but my dreams wont give me comfort they never do. i want someone to hold me as i sleep so if i cry out in my sleep then cant wake me, letting me know that it was just a nightmare. i want someone to just hold me, let me know im safe. but no one is there. as always, no one is there.

im gonna die from this headache. my brain will explode and all the juices and other crap will be all over the place. someone will take a picture of my exploded brain matter and make a joke out of it. or something i dont know. man ive taken medication but the slow crap is gay. there is only one thing that can fix this damn headache and thats sleep. but ive got to wait something like 20 minutes or whatever, for the other medication to work. *sighs* my brain hurts. i want to scream but i know it will just make my headache worse, which is the only thing that is keeping me from crying. it hurts that badly. ok, johnny i'll call you tomorrow or something dont call the cell or i will kill you. better yet, im turning it off so NO ONE CAN CALL ME and wake me from my peaceful (yea right) slumber. but i've got stuff i've got to do tomorrow so yea...............................................................................

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

like the title thingy says, today didnt suck after all. after getting off the internet with the fight with johnny, i crashed out in lauren's room. i stole her from the computer around 12ish b.c. after a fight that makes me cry (i dont cry often) i needed someone to comfort me. so we chilled out in her room with the black light goin. we started reading Incubus Dreams, my new Laurel K. Hamilton book that i OH SO LOVE!!! anyways, lauren crashed around 1:30ish. i continued to read my wonderful book until the batteries in her book light went like almost dead to where i couldnt read. what did i do? i problem solved!!! i went into her closet and settled down to read for about 3, 3 and a half hours. its an awesome book. :D well i didnt go to sleep until around 6:15ish in the morning. didnt wake up until like 10 in the morning either. um... came home around 12, had to go to the annual family christmas eve party at my aunt's and uncle's place. i really do love them!! got me this watch for christmas, gotta love em! anyways, i was ready to go home and frustrated. but two great things happened there: 1) my mom knew i was pissed at the world so to mellow me out she let me have like half of every plastic cup of spiked punch. that calmed me WAY DOWN, and i thought a lot of shit was funny. 2) while being pissed that we weren't leaving fast enough i sat down to write more in my short stories spiral, and my aunt read the 3 pages of short story that i had done, and she said SHE LIKED MY WRITING!! oh my god, hearing that from her was like...it just meant the world to me that she said that. i love my aunt shelia. well i have to go do other things, then i get to settle in for my long winters nap, since i only got 4 hours of sleep yesterday or whatever.

Merry Christmas!!

johnny, im sorry i cant see you but you were the one who wanted the break. merry christmas, and happy new year b.c. i was serious about what i said.

ok on christmas day i got up, did the whole family thing. from the `rents i got: a comforter that i've been wanting for a while, this window veil thingy that has ribbons on it to match my comforter, a calender (even though i picked it out), a pedicure set, King Aruther DVD, and Benny and Joon DVD. i was really happy, and even though it wasn't under the christmas tree i got my book Incubus Dreams for christmas too b.c. i made sure everyone got ONE thing that they wanted for christmas, like my mom and dad. *smirk* i was like the little elf that left messages, it was fun i will have to admit. anyways, went to lauren's house. got this coolio tinkerbell gold necklace that i am wearing now, and dont plan on ever takin it off except for shower and pool time. went over to dad's parents house. got 50 bucks from them. it was cool because that mean i can get me 3 new cds. w00t w00t!!! :D gotta love that music. um, chilled with the cousins that came from west virgina. *rolls eyes* i still dont like amanda (the oldest, and who is a cheerleader) her hair looked fried and her highlights or whatever looked really really bad!!! oh well for her. i looked great in my white shirt, and pimpin skirt. it was black shiny satin so i could spin and it moved. it was SO KICK ASS!!! anyways, finally left there around 4:30ish. went home, got ready to go down to Bay City. we didn't really leave for Bay City until around 6ish. *shrugs* i tried my hardest to leave by 5:30 but it just didnt really happen. anyways, got to bay city around 8ish. Come to find out, bay city had gotten about 8 inches of snow. SO! putting on my shoes we ( me, my brother, and my madre) and we cruised around outside. i had never seen snow like that in Texas so it was AWESOME!! well we ate, and then i crashed around 11:15 b.c. i stayed up and read a chapter in my book before i went to bed. got up this morning to go to church ( i know, i dont go to church but see i go with my grandparents b.c. i love them greatly.) my aunt and uncle who had been here ( i am in Bay City ) the night before had come back because my grandma ( my mom's mom) and my aunt were singing in the service today. it was cool, to see my grandma and aunt up there together jammin like they were. the snow was still there from the night before so i was anxious to get home and play in the snow. before we ate belated christmas lunch/dinner with heather and katie and even a friend they brought stacy (spelling?) my brother and i played out in the snow. it was SO cool! i made a snow man for the first time in my life at the age of 17, we played snowball baseball, which was quite amusing indeed. i got so cold, that when i came back inside and changed from my wet clothes i got in under my covers for my bed and layed down trying to warm up. it helped some but not really. we had lunch/dinner and when that was over i went back into my covers and slept until my mom came and woke me up for present time. YAY!!! from my aunt and uncle i got this cute snowglobe that plays something and at the moment i just can't seem to remember the name of the song and i am too lazy to go check it out. ( actually i just dont want anyone coming into the study and reading this :P) from my 2 cousins, i got a mini sample of this body scrub that i want. thats cool, because i have the "perfume" of it but when its actually not perfume b.c. its oily. *shrugs* whatever. anyways, also i got this little tin with alot of other body stuff in it. omg did it smell good! :D its so cool and i will have to try it when i get home. ok, now from my grandma and grandpa. like every year, i got avon lotion and shower gel from my grandma, a snowglobe featuring the polar express, a ditty bag to keep all my shampoo and tooth brush stuff like that in (its hawaiian print, blue and green with white flowers), and $250. my jaw hit the floor when i read the letter that they sent me with the check. it was so nice of them to give me that much. now i know that i can get me a new portable cd player since mine just recently died. lol. no it came apart to the point that's its not fixable. so i have had a most excellent christmas and i just cant wait for this friday to come. NEW YEAR'S BABY!!! and maybe everything will turn out ok by then (for those who know what im talking about) time to chill out and listen to me music. :D

King Aruther

Ok, overall this was a good movie. It did have a lot of blood scences but hey what could you ask for? However, so much of the movie was wrong or rather it's wrong compared to everything that Hollywood as portrayed in movies before and the books I have read. I mean seriously, Guinevere isn't suppose to be the Pagan, she's suppose to be the Christian that converts Aruther. And then the round table, she gives that to Aruther as part of a wedding gift. Oh then there is no romance between Lancelot and Guinevere! Isn't there always suppose to be chemistry between them? Yes there is. So if you have no idea of who King Aruther is or anything along those lines, this is a good movie to start with. But if you know much about King Aruther, you can see if for the battle scences and nothing else. It was almost not worth my time, but I still like it because of the pretty boys in it!

The Bourne Supremacy

Good movie. There were a few parts that were just plain well hard to follow due to the serious shaking of the camra, but what do you expect when the car is being smashed into. Um, it was a bit confusing at times, but it does seem that Jason Bourne always gets away just barely. I say that's what he was trained to do but that's my personal opion. If you haven't seen the first one, see it then rent this movie. Overal its a good movie worth watching.

he's such a goober. "you need someone more aggressive". you damn straight! he acted like a submessive even though he won't say it. trust me as to know what i am talking about.  *rolls eyes* well on to my next journey of finding an aggressive guy.

im writing this short this morning b.c. i wont be able to update this thing later. i might go out on that dinner that my brother owes me or whatever. but if that doesnt happen i might do something with my little friend. hehehe! but thats another story for another day. so ahppy :D but hey who really cares what the reason is as long as i am happy right?!? Yes i am right and i dont care. but i am really proud of myself, i wanted to be this huge ass bitch last night but i wasnt, i held the urge in check until it faded but i still want to rub someones nose in my happiness.

man i got out of school today, and it was like i just couldnt get full of food. like i could never get my stomach full. it was SSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD!!! I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!!! and that would have been bad but a friend saved me and bought me chicken! that was fun!

still wish i would have wrestled with that friend today.

rip my heart out, leave me here in piece, i cant do this alone but i have no one to turn to. i want to scream because of everything through these tears that flow down my face. he broke my heart and i cant do anything. i cant do anything but cry. its not fair but hey who ever said life was fair. today was shitty then to have to go through this..........its torture. i have to paint a face on later, like everything is ok. but its not. he's stolen my heart, took me down memory lane and i cant do a damn thing about it. he made me realize long ago i let go for some stupid reason. i cant help how stupid i was but i dont even get a second chance. god im an idiot.

"in our darkest hour we bleed with our unforgotten wounds" ~ a good friend Keith!

the ten thousand dollar question of the day is......................*drumroll*.................................. WHY ARE GUYS SO DIFFICULT??? lol. sorry but ive been having guy issues and now its offical i hate love there will never be love for this chicka and its kinda sad b.c. i hate being alone on valentines day. well time to go to class FRENCH KISS *muah muah*

(i wrote something just like 5 minutes earlier for this and it got erased so if it doesnt make sense im sorry im a bit annoyed that i wrote all of that and now I have to redo it all over again.)

I need someone to talk to, to tell all these thoughts to that are raging through my brain. But no one is around that can relate to. And beside that I feel as if I am complaining about this too much so I'm writing in here and then my normal journal, then I'm moving on. Nothing in life is working.

A quote that I normally live by: "what doesnt hurt you only makes you stronger." To this very day I still believe that is true. But unfortunately, love hasn't killed me but I have given up on it. I know, everyone says you should never give up on love, that all you ever need is love. I don't believe that's true anymore. When 'love' has brought you so much pain how are you suppose to continue with life loving and what not? I can't. It's just that simple. All this hurt has just made me realize that it's not worth it. Life must simply hate me and doesn't want me to have one, ONE SINGLE SOLITARY PERSON IN THE HOWEVER MANY BILLION PEOPLE THERE ARE IN THIS WORLD TO LOVE. I don't even have to love them, it's nice to have a someone (preferably a guy) to snuggle up with on a Friday night watching a movie, or have that someone hold you while you bitch, cry, complain whatever about a bad day, its nice to have someone that you can mess around with when you're feeling frisky. (sorry i dont like the word horny)  But when someone doesn't understand these things and fights with you and doesn't give you any kind of feed back except "i dont know" or "ok" it gets frustrating to the point where you just give up, you lose all hope and just slump on the ground and want to cry because you dont know how to deal with any of it anymore. I've fought my last battle, don't want to fight anymore. I've given up on love, when you've been hurt like your heart slowly goes cold and dead. Not willing to do anything or whatever. *sigh* things happen in life for a reason and maybe this is a sign i dont know. I'm just trying to get through high school for god sakes. its like whY me?? but that answer will never be answered. it wont be answered until the time is right and you go OK i finally understand why now!

I leave you with this , "Ours is not to reason why, Ours is but to do and die!"

So I went to Mardi Gras this past weekend. It was very entertaining, because it was fun even though I did have to deal with some pretty annoying people such as little cousins but of course no names. *sigh* I am glad to be back in school though with a schedule that I can follow. As much as I hate to admit this I don't do the spontanious random acts of let's get up and out right now and do something. I like to have more structure than that but I was a guest on someone else's vacation so I kept my mouth shut. But now I have being even more confused at a specific someone (of course no names) and I have made personal cardinal rules to myself and upon speaking to this individual I may end up breaking one of my cardinal rules. This specific cardinal rule is as the following:  Never mess around with a guy who has a girlfriend. I wouldn't like it if I was the girlfriend so I always made that rule no matter how much it hurt. But this situation is does so seem that I could be breaking one of the few rules that I can control within my life. I hate the feeling of not being in control of situation, which therefore shows that I hate surprises. So many people say that rules are meant to be broken but some rules just arent meant to be broken.

Today I embark upon one of my most difficult journies yet. As you all know, today is Ash Wednesday the beginning of lint and for a good cause I have given or rather I am trying to give up cussing. It is something that I have always wondered if I could do or not, it's just now I'm somewhat forced to against my will, which of course is truly not even the case at all. *sigh* Besides I do sound more intellegent rather than using a cuss word everyother word. Of course there will be the occassional slip but no one can expect that of me. I don't even expect that of me. Anyways, I am off to go study for my two tests today and then work on two projects that are both due today but only one will be able to be turned in.

lol. Unless you were in the car last night on the way home from church, then you will have no idea why that is my Subject Topic. What happened in that car will stay in that car. LoL! Anyways, my neck hurts in three different places from people biting me, now don't get me wrong, I am not complaining in the least bit at all. I loved it actually but they still hurt. I have a bruise on the back of my neck, and the side, along with a perfect indention of teeth on the other side. But as you have figured out by now, there are no names involved here people. I don't want to get someone in trouble since there is enough drama going on at the point in time so its a must to keep people's name out of this public blog. If you honestly want to know more about what goes on in my life, just tell me and then I will give you a personal glimse into my life. So, besides going to church last night with Carlos and drawing on my pants for about an hour and a half that was pretty boring. But the ride home was fun, and I even forgot to give Carlos his Mardi Gras beads that he wanted. However, because of a specific someone I might be willing to go back to church to see them again. I know that's not a real good reason to say you want to go to church but hey! if it works it works. Who can complain about that? Please don't answer that question. I know for a fact EVERYONE CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT SOMETHING OR WHATEVER! "i've got sunshine, on a cloudy day, when its cold outside out in the month of may....." LOL :D I couldn't resist that one. So anyways, there's the 10 minute bell. Yes I am at school and there is nothing wrong with that. *sigh* I want to go home and take a shower but since I am in school I can't really do any such thing because I can't miss any more days. Also for lint or lent I have pretty much given up all hope of not cussing, it's just who I am but I can still try anyways. Well XOXO to all who need it and you know who you are. tty people later.

being pissed for stupid reasons

being sad about important reasons.

i dont want to care anymore but that wont happen

[Chorus]
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

----------------------------

in a world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt
i was trying so hard to fit in, fit in,
until i found out
i don't belong here
i don't belong here
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
but i don't belong

Everything is going, not the greatest but not the worst either. This past weekend I could have gone on an extra credit field trip and gotten EXTRA CREDIT for just waking up early and paying attention about some stupid sea turtles but whatever. Instead I got to get in a fight with the family and then have Dad do research about laptops. That was fun. So yesterday I go to do some fun stuff, I got to go to Grandmother's house then go shopping for the damn laptop. I did get one but Dad was still not happy about it because we bought the display version and the previous 0owner did not return it with the owner's manual and some other crap that he wanted. I was just like whatever I don't really care. But I did get it this weekend. w00t! w00t!

ive got a lovely bunch of coconuts!

THERE THEY ARE STANDING IN THE ROW!

BONK BONK BONK BONK!

BIG ONES, small ones, SOME AS BIG AS YOUR HEAD!

A BACGOCK-COW!!!!! just for my woman, lauren!

shit always end up happening so im just like fuck the world. its too damn hard to fight them since that's what you did for 4 years of my life anyways. My father thinks he has control on my life, fuck him! unless he puts chains and shackles on me I can always leave, I can always do my own thing. My mother is constantly saying that she doesnt want to get in between my father and me....well damn shes been doing that since I was homeschooled for a year. It's just another one of her fuckin jewish trump cards. fucking aggrivates me to no belief that I'm stuck here while all this is going on. Carlos's car is out of commission for a while, I won't go to laurens house, and none of my other friends are willing or would even know how to help me with any of this shit. man, its time likes these where the song is true. "My self destruction is all your fault!"

OH YEA! HAPPY FUCKIN MOTHERS DAY!

been in the house for about 30 mins after coming home from a party...... yea right. me and my boy got to the party, i had a headache, so i layed down. long story short, i "kicked the crap" out of the host of the party, he got pissed and wanted me out. so my boy took me home. legally i was home before curfew but he stayed till 1 while we sat in my drive way talking. God i love that boy so much. My dad snopped on me, went outside, saw that my boy and i were outside. He called my cell and told me to either bring my boy in and pop in a movie or send him home. oh it was soooooooooo tempting to just bring him in and "accidently" have him fall asleep here, only problem is is that he has graduation tomorrow..... or rather today. lol. messed up shit. whatever. im glowing so whatever. im in a great mood to be falling asleep so whatever to world who doesnt like me like this.

He said that I could be his cure for everything. That I could bring happiness where there is only sorrow in his life. He said those things to me, and I began to cry. Why? Because I know that I won't always be able to be his cure.

In life every single human being that gives a damn in this world is thrown problems. Each human handles that problem at hand in different ways, corrisponding with either their personality, or how they were raised, or whatever else. These "problems" can be anywhere on the spectrum from happiness to death and anywhere in between. Life never really focuses on one specific person and decides to see how much it can ruin their life. More like Life just dishes out this stuff without prejudice against any one soul. While each one of us is important in whatever way, life doesn't care. We are but pawns in this world, and can do NOTHING but go along for the ride and hope for the best.

However, when people are handed bad issues or problems to deal with, this all in itself is interesting to watch how people handle it. Personal expirence, when issues come up and hurt too bad to even say how bad it hurt I always seem to find peace at the bottom of a bottle. When a problem hurts me so bad that I can't even say how bad it hurts, I always turn to something that I KNOW IS BAD FOR ME BUT I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO CARE IN THAT MOMENT. Just something to get me through the next minute, the next hour, the night. Something to dull the aching pain in my heart that doesn't feel that it will be going away sometime soon. But the pain finally does cease when I find the bottom of the bottle, or sleep does end my misery (which ever one comes first). Then a spiritual war the next day begins from the moment I wake up to the moment that I come to terms of what I had done the night before. However, in all this stupiditiy, nothing has been accomplished, nothing has been solved, it was only a temporary fix. Here's the thing though, I do this repeatedly when life gets so hard that it hurts. I was never raised around this, my personality says that I would never do this. So why do I do this even though I know it's wrong? This a question that feels as if will never be answered. But other people have been pushed into being submissive for so long that that is just exactly what they do. They become a walking mat for everyone to walk over. Other's just don't care enough to care about what happens. And yet others punch holes in walls. It never fails to see how people react in situations such as these.

I don't want to face this problem. I want to hide behind a mother that would care or rather a mother that would be up at this time of night. There is nothing to hide behind anymore. I cannot believe how badly some stupid, petty, little thing would hurt so bad. heh. Some how I feel as if this should have happened sooner. I feel betrayed by more than one person and I want to cry but my cries would not be heard, my sobs would anger me. So I do nothing but write. I want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yet that's impossible with it being 2:03 in the morning. I want to create my own firing range with an air soft gun but with my father getting up in a little over 2 hours from now it would not be wise of me to wake him with any kind of noise except with a plead for help. I am helpless as I sit before this screen, typing my pain, and having it not affect me at all. I'm waiting for the hot tears to stream down my face as I question myself (the one thing i swore I would never do!) but there are no tears, there are no sobs, there's nothing but a pain inflected heart. I am no where near finding my peace as the same song plays over and over again in my headphones. Nothing seems to be helping me now, not even my own conscience. It must has fleed as soon as it knew I was trying to find my own kind of peace. My body is hot yet my heart and soul feel cold.

A very special person to me told me something last Wednesday about Christians and I completely agree with it. "I think the Christian's saying should be the same as the Marines, 'The Few, The Proud'." I like that a lot. Because now a days it's true. Many people don't want to become christians because they see those who call themselves christians doing the same stuff that they are doing. (I.E. smoking, having sex, going out and partying, drinking, etc.) Unfortunately at my youth group, our congregation is basically filled with hypocritcs. Every Wednesday they go to church, praise God, yet continue to go out into the world and do the same stuff that they confessed as sin. It just doesn't make sense to me anymore. I'm angry at those who call themselves christians and go to church but simply disrespect the House of God. I do NOT agree with these peoples life styles. But I do understand that each person has their own life and they have to live with their choices. That in the end God will judge all of us, not looking at us as different but as they same, His children. This world is a christians play ground. There are many things that can bring us done, but think is this worth it? Is this worth comprimising eternal love? A special person to me I have lost. It hurts me to know that while she was so brave to stand against the world's pressure as well as to her own friends, she crumbled and fell to sin. It hurts me to know that I have lost her. Those who know this situation in detail think that I am just blowing this out of proportion. I disagree, and if you want to know why personally contact me and I will explain why. But I looked up to her in those times when she held her ground, she had her family, her boyfriend, her friends against her and yet she held her ground. But time was the test, and she fell. Now shes hanging out with other people and it saddens me greatly knowing that she could have better friends than that, she IS better than they are. And yet there she is with them. I pray for her, and I pray that God will unveil her eyes to see what she is doing to herself and that she stops. PRAY HARD!

Well last night I became scared, not just for me but for basically for everyone that is alive today. I'm scared and I did not sleep with my light off. I don't scared all that easily but this scared me to the point of that for about 45 minutes I dozed off next to my mom in my parent's bed. I'm scared, and now I'm going to start living my life right.

People say that dreams are nothing too important, they dreams are simply just a release for your sub-conscience. This girl in my theater class said that you dream about people that you care about. I feel as if I have betrayed the one person that I would NEVER do this to. I want to scream and go back in time to my dream and make it not happen. But no one can go back in time, no one can rip these thoughts from my skull, although right about now i wish they could.

To hear such words escape from his lips, my heart should have been ripped from my chest. Those few words that made me wish just for a moment that I was God, so that I can give him what he wanted. "To be on the field one more time, to where the pads one more time, that terf was my domain, it was mine" I wanted to do anything to make that look in his eyes go away. That longing for something that he knew he would never have back. I wanted to scream, to do anything to have those eyes be happy again. My wish came true. He shoved that longing down deep inside of himself, hiding it away so that I wouldn't have to see. I wish there was just something that I could do.

We evactuated because of the hurricane to Dallas (well actually Haslet) to where my dad's sister lives with her family. So it's my Aunt Elizabeth, Uncle Dan, Cody (their son, my cousin), Grandmother, Grandfather, Dad, Mama D, Panda and me all shoved up in one household. I'm going insane here. All the wives (excluding Mom) are submissive. Grandmother corrected Grandfather about the stupidest shit and he bit her head off and practically handed it to her. Then whenever Dan says jump Elizabeth jumps. It's disguisting. Then Cody isn't allowed to be himself around anyone. He continuously has to keep some part of himself hidden from his parents. It must suck to be him. He can't act the way he wants, he has to paint this smile on and as I call it be a Stepford. It sucks. But what sucked the most part about just today was that today was my boyfriend's birthday. I didn't get to do anything for him except sing him happy birthday and talk to him maybe a total of 30 minutes all day. When he texted me that he was with his friends at the movies, and I got so jealous of every single person that was there with him because I am stuck up here in Haslet until they allow people to go back to Houston. Today was suppose to be an important day, I had a surprise party planned out for Carlos at my house and I was soooo excited about it and what sucked the most was that it didn't happen. I got to stay here, and just be here all day long. We don't do anything except bitch about the "Blake" side of the family and corrupt my little cousin. I stay in my room all day because if I stay out of it for too long I always seem to get into trouble of some sorts. Take yesterday morning for example. The family minus Dad and Grandfather were in a dicussion about the percentage of tip. Everyone on my side of the family said you tip 20%. The Blakes were shocked, they only pay 10%. That's stingy. Sorry but that just is. Justin mentioned about how waiters now use PDA's to take orders. Grandmother shakes her head and tell us how easy we have life. I disagreed so I spoke up, telling her that life isn't that easy. That yes while technology does take some pressure off of life it doesn't completely make it better. She looks at me disapprovingly and asks me if I can ever admit I'm wrong? I said yes, of course I can but if I disagree with something normally I speak out and say my opinion about it. She asks me if I can just let it go, that with her being an elder that I shouldn't be questioning her and blah blah blah. I got soooo freakin pissed off that I just wanted to strangle the woman. All I did was 'fine I'm letting go' and I walked out. I am so fucking tired of playing their two faced little games. I was raised with a voice, to have an opinion, to be able to speak my mind. Here Dad just wants me to be his freakin little puppet on a string, his daddy's little girl and make everyone happy. I'm not happy here. I want to leave. I hate it here, I hate this place that I have to wake up and put on face to make everyone happy. I want to be at home, with my friends, with my future husband. Here....this is hell. Everyone is a communist and I hate it. Nothing is ever worth this. NOTHING!!! 

Sometimes people catch you in your mistakes, and if that was the case then damn was I caught.

I hate being stuck between a rock and a hard place and I have to make a decision.

Every once in while you should just act, don't think about what could happen, just do what you want!

Today was a great day until I found out that the asshole had been in my room. whatever. but today was still a great day :D

Too much happens at once, and one must think. *edit later*

He knew exactly what to do that would cause all this controversy. All I wanted to do was go through today and have it be like every other day; go home, hang out, do my homework, make a few phone calls, take a shower, call some people back, then sleep. But it doesn't always turn out the way you want to. One thing, one incident is causing me all this extra drama that I MAJORLY don't need right now. The one person that I can't lose right now in my life won't talk to me and I feel as if it's my fault. If only I wouldn't have turned back, If only I would have pulled back. None of those things happened. Too many people are telling me to do all these different things. "Just be friends", "You don't need this in your life right now!" What do you do when your own heart doesn't even know what to do anymore? "You never appriciate love until you have to fight for it." My mom told me that. I'm sorry that any of this happened tonight. It wasn't how I had planned it. DAMMIT!!!!! Why can't for once life just go a little according to planned????? Why did he have to do it? I don't get it. Sometimes we make hard decisions, but remember NEVER REGRET THEM!

This saddens me that I have to write this but a friendship died today. Somewhat fitting for today being D-day!

CrazyXskittleS: sorry

SAMUSzzz: wtf!! wat 4?

CrazyXskittleS: for being a chick

SAMUSzzz: oh bs!!! ur supposed 2 be

SAMUSzzz: lol

CrazyXskittleS: lol i would hope so

SAMUSzzz: lol yessss, 4 cj's sake

SAMUSzzz: lol

CrazyXskittleS: LMAO!

CrazyXskittleS: :-D

SAMUSzzz: other wise he gets a dick in his face when he goes 2 eat ya out =-O

SAMUSzzz: lol

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhh!!!

there just comes a point in life where you just give up, throw up your hands, and walk away. I tried that and it just didn't work very well. So that's why I am in the area of life that i am in. FUCK OFF TO EVERYONE!!!!!

happy birthday jesus

ok now its christmas, can it just be over with already? im tired of the people rushing, shoving, and what not. im tired of the traffic, the "christmasy" feeling, and this crappy weather. sorry but this sure as heck doesnt feel like christmas.

Life is a waste of time

Time is a waste of life

So get wasted all the time

And have the time of your life!

~Los Lonely Boys~

We were in love before
But now it's so much more
Cause when I kiss your lips I can't explain
What I feel in my heart for you

I don't know what I'd do
Baby if I lost you
Cause I've been without you and I know how it feels
And I can't be alone anymore

[Chorus]
I know its more than love
Baby I can feel it
When I'm close to you
I know its more than love
Baby, do you?

Maybe my words don't explain
Why I'm feeling this way

[Instrumental]

Maybe my words don't explain
Why I'm feeling this way

I don't know what I'd do
Baby if I lost you
Cause I've been without you and I know how it feels
And I can't be alone anymore

[Chorus]
I know its more than love
Baby I can feel it
When I'm close to you
I know its more than love
Baby I can feel it
When I'm close to you
I know its more than love
Baby, do you?